Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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