so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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