Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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