i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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