Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
