my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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