I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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