Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
