Soap is not a condiment
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
