While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
