I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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