Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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