i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
