I wanna bring you to show and tell
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
