I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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