he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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