This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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