Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
