Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
