I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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