made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
