tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
