It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
