just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
