It was confusing and full of hummus
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
