I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
