Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
