No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just high enough for therapy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
