Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
