So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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