ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize
