Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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