Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
