thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
