I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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