my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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