i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What drink are we having for lunch?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
