no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
