i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
