so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
