i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
