i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude i'm inner monologue high
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
