if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
