Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
