Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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