Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
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