look no pants
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Say something about gay babies.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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