Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
