the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
