he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
