You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
