Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
