I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
