All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
