So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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