dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
