Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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